AUTHOR - A Very Blessed Wife & Mother

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Agony Aunt - my 1st installment

Let’s talk Google…..
Such an interesting search engine with a larger than life sense of humor, insisting on sending poor lost souls to my site in search of answers to major questions, concerns, or interests in their life.

My friend at Geohde at http://www.missionimpossibleinfertile.wordpress.com/ (or you can get there by clicking on her fancy "sticking it to google" button on my sidebar that is the same as the one at the top of this post) started posting how she answers the lost souls that land on her blog and called it Agony Aunt, Sticking it to Google. She has been doing this since 2007 and I will admit she gets me laughing enough to spit out morning liquids (soda, coffee, etc) at times. I can’t promise to be even a bit as witty or humorous Geohde so go to her blog and enjoy some spitting (she does use parentheses a lot and if you are as slow as I am you may need to read each post twice to get the whole picture)

Here are my responses to some of the key search words used by un-expecting googlers who landed on my blog (I guess the web address is viewed differently by google than myself)……

Big feet lady
Hey! I hope you know I resemble that statement. So, is that a description of an issue you have or what you are looking for in a women, maybe you should stalk the Wide section of your local shoe store instead of the internet, you might get luckier.

A man sleeping with a lady
Haha bad googler, I am guessing you are not getting lucky in both senses of the word, in your bedroom and by landing on my blog.

Guy who loves socks n feet
Wondering if you are the same guy as searcher #1, little strange but easy to please.

Lady in bed with 4 men

Oh what a bad girl/googler. The first thing I thought about with your search topic is WOW what size bed was she in, I want one, and u will see her soon on the Maury P.ovich show wondering who her baby daddy is and yelling “you know ma baby looks like YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU (then scream and run off the stage when Maury tells the little promiscuous procreator the results, NOT THE FATHER times 4). Wow I must be desensitized.

Perternaty leave 4men
I think you need my dictionary and google search for dummies book. As for your question, yes if you are very lucky and work for a reasonable establishment, Paternity Leave can be available, however you may want to contact your HR dept and not Google as each company has its own policy.

Photos of men super chubs thunder thighs and big bellies
Dear searcher, you obviously know what you want in a partner, similar to the guy in #1. My only advice is to go to your local mc.donalds or big and tall store, from what I see there is not a shortage of thunder thighs amongst us. *laughing on the inside*

How a lady dressup after a shower
Wow google are you sending everyone that searches for “lady” to my blog? Have no fear little perv full of questions, I have you answer but not without a few more questions.
1st is the lady married? If she is, then a bath robe or a flannel tent she calls pjs will most likely be adorned. If she is not married she will most like wear something real cute and skimpy hoping it will entice you to put that ring on her finger, then she will revert to women #1. Lastly, does she have young children? Shower, what shower? You will be lucky if she gets 2 a week, I promise you she will cloth herself with whatever material is closest and smells of only 1 days worth of marinating spit-up. I hope that did not discourage you dear googler.

How young to you have to be in gage
I have to say this is one of my favorites because two things popped in my mind rather quickly….

The very first thing I thought dear searcher is that you were talking about my son Gage and the answer is NEVER, by never I mean at least until he is 40 and even then he is still a boy so well….in 8 years or so when you are 18 you will know what I mean about that. (my blog is still rated G).

Then I had a big giggle when I figured out your real question……

1st Dear young YOUNG searcher you must be old enough to know that your question should be “how old” and not “how young”, you only use the term “how young” when you are asking a women her age on her birthday…it goes something like this. “Happy Birthday, how young are we today?”

2nd You have to know proper use of words in the right places of a simple sentence

3rd You need to be old enough to know how to spell the word engaged and that it is one word not two.
4th LOL you have to be old enough to pronounce the word Fiancé or fiancée and wise enough to support them

(am I the only one that pictured a 10 year old girl with a 12 year old boyfriend of 3 weeks who KNOWs she is in love and wants to be with him forever, after she finishes her juice box that is)

Monday, July 27, 2009

Not Me Monday!


Yes it is that time again, let's lay our heads on the faded fake leather couch and commence with therapy session #3


When my older boys came back from the pool, I did not make them take off their swimsuits outside on the deck during daylight hours because I didn’t want water spread through the house. I also did not giggle as their white little hinny’s streaked through the house to the back bedroom; I am also not laughing now as I remember the event and write it down, no way, NOT ME.

I did not let Gage taste dark chocolate several times and laugh hysterically at the slurping faces he made (video soon I hope), I know better than to give a baby chocolate, I swear I wouldn’t do that, NOT ME.


When Gage had tons of gas this past week I did not prop him with his stomach across mine and dangle my cell phone in front of him with no intentions of giving it to him, like a tease so he would grunt and strain to reach it therefore expelling gas from both ends, no way, NOT ME, that would be mean.

This weekend I did not gauge whether I needed to bath by how bitter my underarms smelt instead of the numbers of days since the last good cleaning (which was a few nights too many), how disgusting do you think I am, no way NOT ME, I have ALL the time in the world to clean my body daily.

.......NOT ME MONDAY was created by Mckmama at www.mycharmingkids.net, I have been following her for awhile now and if have seen my blog a few months past I have posted a couple times about her 8 month old infant son Stellan, who was not suppose to make it to birth because of uncontrollable SVT (fast heart beat) at 20wks in-utero. He was born and his heart appeared healed, that is until a few months ago when it came back and he spent over a month in the hospital, even air-lifted to Boston’s Children’s Hospital for a risky heart surgery. The surgery only worked partially and they have since been able to control his heart with meds, until now that is, Stellan is doing awful, he has been in uncontrollable SVT for days now, his kidneys are failing, temperature is in the 94’s, extremities are not receiving adequate blood flow and so much more. Mckmama last tweet was that they were again airlifting him to Boston however she is not sure if it is to late. I have never met this baby but feel so close to him and his family (he has 3 brothers and sisters all under 4). Please hug you babies extra close tonight no matter how old they are and say a prayer for baby Stellan, I know I will.

Here is a picture of Stellan during his last hospitalization

I need a favor,,,,,I can only read Mckmama's blog on my blackberry because of work restrictions and awful home internet (shiver, dial up), so I am asking if any of my readers do/could go to mycharmingkids.net and grab the new NOT ME MONDAY button and email it to me, I would love you forever, or just be really grateful. She did not post a NOT ME MONDAY post today for obvious reason but if you look through the archives you will find one from not long ago. Pssst while you are there say a prayer for little Stellan.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Breath

We are back (have been since Sunday), it was crazy stressful, busy, tiring, but worth it to see the family. I have to say I know I earned at least 25 more grey hairs on that trip. Things are really busy right now which is why I am lacking in the posting department. All our free time has been consumed with house hunting, while in Alabama a guy made a offer and our house went under contract. It was very exciting since our house has been for sale for over a year and we have no bedroom for Gage. (you know there is a "but" in here somewhere) BUT, this week we found out the guy who is buying our house (closing August 14th) is having a hard time with financing, talk about deflating the happy balloon. So, we are again in a hurry up and wait situation, we should know by the middle of next week if the financing past the underwriter and if so will have 2 weeks before close to find yannno , SOMEWHERE TO LIVE. haha. My realtor did assure me that after close we will be leasing our home from the buyer until we close on a house, so we wont be homeless (bummer I guess i can't quit my job and stop bathing). Hope to update more soon.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

ROad TriP

We are packing the kids, throwing everyone in the rollerskate sized car and heading east to see the Grandparents. We will be traveling through the night (as to cut down on the "oh my bottom is sore temper tantrums) and hope to get there within 12-14 hours. FUN times, I am sure of it, haha. We will have a great time visiting for 3 days and then we do the torture trip home again.

We Can DO IT!


Yes we can! (ha)


We will make it! (maybe not with all my hair intact, but as long as I am not bald)


We can DO IT!

Monday, July 13, 2009

This is my second "Not Me" Monday post. Stellan's mom (Mckmama) at http://www.mycharmingkids.net/ (website that my computer at work will not longer let me visit) started "not me" Monday's as a therapeutic way to post one's own flaws (in a humorous way of course).

I have lots to NOT confess, my 2nd therapy session….

While doing grocery shopping this week I did not decide that the boys needed my favorite (more like an addiction and cannot have them in the house, like putting crack in a addicts cupboard and thinking they won’t touch it) chocolate chip pop tarts for breakfast (a huge box). Did NOT see fit to bring them home and consume (or devour like a piranha in a goldfish tank) 1200 calories worth of delicious chocolate pastry before letting the boys know we had some (in which they got 1 out of a box of 8 before the box was empty the next day), NOT ME, No way.

I am a grown responsible women and would not have altered one of my baby’s pictures into looking like the spawn of me and PaPa Smurf, NOT ME, and I did not share it with Julie and joke about my affair with the cartoon character and show her the picture of our spawn, after all I am not 10 and have way more important things to do, NOT ME!


When Kollen prematurely ran out of panties I Did Not just say “go without until I find or clean some” because I was just too tired/lazy to get out of my chair, I did not forget about his panties until two days later when I found some in the wash. I also would never call my son’s underwear panties, to their face nor on my blog, panties are what girls wear, I know that so I wouldn’t do that, nope NOT ME.

When Gage’s second tooth started making its presence known, I did not look into getting him this pacifier (pic below) and was not singing “all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth”. Teething is painful, I would not make light of it, NOT ME!
(no this is not Gage in the picture, unless you move the teeth to the bottom and add 9lbs)

While bathing Gage (since he seems to be a water bug) I did not get tired of stopping him from flipping over on his belly, have Jer get me the camera, let him try the new trick, and capture a picture of him after he dunked his face in the water (as I knew he would). I know babies can drown and that any cautious mom would not let him experience a face full of water, NOT ME!

I Did not let out a Giggle when Gage took a mis-step in creeping and fell on his face on the carpet, that would be awful of anyone especially a mom, NOT ME!

And lastly, I Did Not sarcastically whisper under my breath “well at least you are not full of PoO anymore” when Jer was in the middle of a really bad upset stomach and spent most of the evening on the toilet, how uncaring of a person would do that, NOT ME, I am a nicer and more mature wife than that.
*now I know you may be disappointed, but I did not take a picture of that (maybe next time)*

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Octomom

NO, I am not talking about that ridiculous, selfish, mentally handicapped mother that just brought 8 babes into a world of chaos.



I am talking more about myself and my need for 8 hands while changing my hyper 6.5 month old's dirty diappee. Gage has figured out how to push you away, flip around, throw his gigantic legs down, and slap your wipe toting hands as you are trying to clean bum filth.

In the past it was a big task just trying to keep my hands and the changing pad clean while cleaning the baby booty, now we are in a whole new level of difficulty. Sometimes I feel like I am in a new video game named bum nugget battles on the POo Station 360 and I am fighting the boss, all I can think of is more hands and I might win one (and imagine how easy grocery shopping would be)

TO GAGE: for the love of all things holy and clean, please oh please child, KEEP your hands away from your bottom when it is dirty and I am "cleaning it", because we both know the next step in that sequence is .... INSERT into mouth.

TO THE PAPER/ROCK/SCISSORS WIZARD: why O why do I always have to LOOSE the P/R/S battle with Jer when Gage has a stinky?????

Some darling pics of my super squirmy stinky pants...

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Gage's 5th & 6th Month Letter

HALF A YEAR!


Here is the 4th month (left to right), 5th month, and 6th month growth comparison! WOW

As stated in previous post, because month 5 was full of fever, vomit, and poo (if you have nothing good to say don’t blog it) I did not get a chance to write Gage’s 5 month letter. So, here is a combo of month 5 & 6.
(deep in thought, who should I puke on next)


Gage,

You have grown so much in the last two months, not just physically, your personality and milestones/tricks. Let’s start with the negatives to get them out of the way.

Month 5 had a lot of first for you:

You had your second round of shots (late of course thanks to the numerous viruses you have managed to get you cells on).

You had your first fever in month 5 from another stomach virus which produced terribly painful gas and lead us to give you your first taste of Mylanta (you love the taste).

You had your first sinus infection which lead to your first time on antibiotics which turned into your first allergic reaction (swollen bumpy tongue, head to toe rash, and lets not forget tons of sleepless nights) in turn lead to your first doses of benydrl.

Onto the positives, firsts, and cuteness

You got to meet Vic & Deb for the first time and they just loved you to pieces. While they were here you had your first trip to the zoo, game of horse shoes, and BBQ. It was a great week and you were very well behaved.
Your appointment on May 29th (5months 2weeks) you weighed in at 21lbs 10oz with a whopping vertical measurement of 28 ¼ inches, you are a big boy and I love every bit.
(“do these stripes make me look thinner”)

You started laughing more and at more inanimate things, so cute, we are at your mercy and will do just about anything to hear that sound.

I am not sure which category this one fits into, you have figured out how to grab a fist full or two of your un-expecting mom’s hair and pulling it to your face will allow for slimy kisses at will, it sure hurts but ends with a sweet surprise.

During all your illness you did develop one super cute trait, a desire to squeeze a huggy (any kind of blanket, stuffed animal, or my hair) while sleeping. One of my favorite pics, you and your huggy (I see future black mail in this picture).

Moving on to month 6, and by moving I mean rolling all over the place.

Gage you finally figured out how to roll 360 degrees, constantly I might add. Once you learn a new trick you practice constantly, I have a feeling your ferocious trick training may become interesting in the future (as interesting as a new drummer spending 20 hours on the drums in an apartment above you).


Now that you mastered rolling, your creeping has improved; your favorite place to be is on the carpet on a blanket with your toys all around. Sometimes a loud thud means you are across the room hitting various body parts on hard furniture surfaces (we need a pen um play pen that is).
You started babbling this past month and you also practice a lot. In addition to AHHHHHH you have added, blah blah blah, da da da, ma ma ma, ya ya ya (no you have not figured out that da da and ma ma are real words describing real people yet).

("I will sleep anywhere and I mean anywhere")

Raspberries anyone? Not the fruity kind but more like the drooly kind. With the drool from these and teething you now have to adorn a bib every minute your awake or your clothes will be soak as if in a drool pool within minutes.
(your poor shirt is covered in slobber(above))

(you can see the constant stream of mouth liquid)

Gage you have a weird relationship with remote controls, kind of a love/hate thing. If someone has the remote you want it and are willing to climb for it, however if they are set on the arm of the chair in a reachable distance you will evict them to the floor without a moments notice.

Cell phones, child is this your way of telling us you are going to be an expensive teenager? We can not talk on the phone or have it anywhere in sight because you go into an excited fit of fumbling hands and body contortion to get your paws on it. We even put you on your feet while holding your upper body and dangled the cell phone in your line of sight (kinda like a horse and carrot) and you took off walking your way to the phone, you only do this trick for cell phones and bottles, hmmm electronics and food motivate you, sounds like someone else I know that made up have your DNA.

Bananas, not my mindset but you got to try bananas this month, you loved them and I could not shovel them fast enough so you tried to take over the spoon the whole time. Unfortunately you had stomach issues right after the bananas so we had to discontinue for the time being and I am going to make your food at home seeing your stomach seems real sensitive.

In the picture below you look very much like your cousin Nolan (see the Easter post to refresh who Nolan is).
Your eyes are changing, from blue to silver and now becoming brown from the pupil out. Pictured below is you eye at 6 weeks and 6 months

Since you are half a year old I thought I would show how much your face has also changed, here is your precious six week (left) next to your current little man face.

As you can see you have been real busy and keeping us busy also. We love you sweet boy and even if you wake me at the bum(this blog is rated PG) crack of dawn I cannot help but smiling and enjoying our one on one time (even if it is 3 stinking am).
Love your over-worked, over-tired, but mostly over-joyed Mother