Never an Equal

Or otherwise titled, doesn’t matter how many babies you pop out, once an infertile, always infertile (but I thought that may be to long).

Disclaimer: Let me start by saying (those who know me know this and either love or hate it), I am not a quiet person, I always speak my mind, some would say very blunt and with a need for more couth. I say that life is too short to sweeten everything up beyond the truth just to please everyone. I am not one to make things seem sweeter than they are. One of my quotes is “I don’t like my cake with icing because if the cake is good then you don’t need icing”. I never kept my loses/our babies a secret, I will openly talk about infertility and our battle, and when in the hall if people say “Hi, how are you/the kids” I don’t just say great and walk off, I answer them honestly. I have learned that most people don’t want to hear the truth unless it is good but that is not me, if you are brave enough to ask, then I should be brave enough to tell, and I am, so I do.


I am not referring to the overwhelming fear of losing babies that infertility brings upon those involved, but more like the battle to be seen as any other mother. Going through the pain of wanting what seems to come so easy to everyone else, the single teenager down the road, drug addict, or jobless women who always goes back to her always abusive and incarcerated baby daddy to become pregnant every 9 months, the local supermarket where no matter what direction you look in there are baby bellies everywhere, the “common women” who get pregnant when she wants to. The urge to get up to the same level as everyone else is a constant battle, you just want, strive, and fight to play on the same field, to be what is suppose to come so easy, a mom. A mom I am, but apparently never on the same playing field.


It seems as though I am forever labeled in many people’s eyes, I am not a mom without a label.

When people ask me how Gage/I am doing, I do not put icing on my answer, I give it like it is. Answers could be “great, such a joy, lovely, fantastic, moving all around, or the answers could be, “he is having a tough week, he is teething, he is not sleeping well right now, he is sick, I am tired, I am having a hard week because Gage is, etc….. When I give the truth and it is anything but positive, 80% of the time I get these responses….”well you WANTED a baby, isn’t this what YOU wanted, kids are tough you should have thought about that before you tried so hard, etc….
I do believe that people would never say that to a women who had 5 kids as easy as making pancakes, I do believe people would say “that sucks, sorry, hope you get some more sleep tonight, hope the kids/you feel better, etc…”. I know this people don’t mean ill harm by what they say; well at least I hope they don’t, but it still stings a bit.

So in conclusion apparently if you have to struggle in life you are not allowed to be tired, sick, frustrated, as other moms do. I am suppose to be rosy sunshine on 2 hours of interrupted sleep when my baby is teething, fussy, inconsolable, look great as I struggle through the work day, skip around with a grin ear to ear because I was finally able to have a baby, then drive home and be Susie homemaker spewing rainbows from my mouth as I spend time with my super fussy, overtired teething child, then dream of puppy dogs and lollipops why I get another two hours of interrupted sleep before starting the same process over again, because after all “I wanted a baby” and obviously because I had to struggle to have one I am not allowed to be anything but overjoyed 24 hours a day. After so long wanting to get on the same playing field as what seems like every other women in the world is on, I have come to realize I will never be on that field in everyone’s eyes but in my kids eyes I am not only on the field, I OWN it, and that is what is most important, the rest is just blahh.

Sorry about the rant, I just had to get that out, and just maybe one of those people who say stupid things to people who have struggled will read this and “get it”.